The Golden anniversary.  The Emerald anniversary.  Even the Diamond anniversary.  Now that is a long time.  Let me take it down a level, and just look at 30 or 40 years together.  When you hear of or see a couple who have been together for that many years, have you ever asked yourself, “how is that even possible?”  What makes that couple different from every other couple?  One might say that it is generational.  Some would argue insanity.  I fear that today, we are going to see fewer and fewer of these relationships stand the test of time.  What was once taboo is now hallway conversation or something said in passing.  Divorce, separation and breaking up are now common words in our vocabulary, no longer whispered at the dinner table. 

Relationships by nature are a great deal of work.  When you have two people trying to coexist, there are many factors already posing as roadblocks.  There are personality and physical differences, past relationship experiences, children, exes, extended family, friends, and a host of other uncontrollable forces standing ready to cause relationship problems.   Having battled these demons myself, rather than try to fight the forces of nature, I decided to learn and grow from my past experiences, and thus The Family Pie was created.

The Family Pie has been 30 years in the making, and has evolved into a tool which has not only solidified my current relationship and the relationships of those I share this with, but has also given me the means to grow professionally.  During my times of despair, when moments of deep and meaningful thoughts exploded in my brain, I came up with this model as a better way to explain the dynamics of relationships that extend far beyond just two people.  This multi-leveled, versatile tool can actually be put into place in your professional life as well as within the family unit.  Unlike most other “relationship tools,” this model can be applied to all facets of life.  I created this tool to help me learn and grow in my relationship, but as I started putting the pieces together, I realized that it need not be confined solely to relationships, but could cross over into work, friends and every other relationship in which I might choose to invest time.  The Family Pie, if followed daily, will allow any relationship to thrive, and give both parties the reciprocity they desire and need in the relationship. 

The Family Pie will change your life, if you let it.  Why?  This tool allows you to become the master, the driving force, the decision maker.  You do not have to spend a great deal of money on someone who is a self-proclaimed family therapist, someone who has a decade of specialized schooling, or someone who puts out a new “relationship” book every year.  The Family Pie works on you and me, by you and me.  There are no scientific formulas, no sitting on a couch staring at your partner and listening to a therapist give you homework to strengthen your bond.  This was developed by real personal life experiences.  You do not need the best and most expensive marriage counselor; you do not need money; all you need is the desire to better your relationship.  Your relationship with your partner, your children, or even your boss.  Now I fully understand the need to talk things out or get advice, and I am not implying that this tool is the “be all, end all”, but it is one that you can build on and use everywhere you go and in every conversation you have.  Whether with a therapist, a friend, or parents, The Family Pie can be the guiding, informational force. 

Additionally, if you apply the simple logic of The Family Pie to your professional life, you will find that your current position will be more rewarding and you will be recognized by your employer.  You will get in return what you provide.  You will have a gratifying work/life balance which you can share.  This is no secret.  This is not complex.  It is simply a matter of learning, understanding and implementing a tool that will become second nature, a tool that utilizes inherent human characteristics.  Each one of us already has every piece of this pie; it is simply a matter of knowing it is there and how to use it effectively in life.  I encourage you to print out The Family Pie, hang it up where you work, put it on your refrigerator, keep it in your purse or wallet, and most importantly, read it every day.  Don’t just look at it. READ IT, UNDERSTAND IT.  It will change your life.

For context and the purpose of building a foundation, I will apply The Family Pie to personal relationships.  Once you grasp the basic understanding of The Family Pie and how to use it, you can decide how far you want to take it and how to incorporate it into various aspects of your life. 

The Family Pie is comprised of eight elements necessary for a relationship to be triumphant, meaningful, long lasting, and most importantly, satisfying.  The eight elements are: Communication, Trust, Honesty, Respect, Emotional Support, Intimacy, Self-Worth, and Mutual Interests.  All eight of these elements must be present in some form for a relationship to truly last, and for both parties to feel their needs are being met.  None of the elements is more important than another, but they all build on each other.  There are no percentages of any kind related to these eight elements; it does not matter what proportion they are as long as each element is represented in your pie.  Everyone is different and everyone needs a different amount of each element.  The important thing to remember is that EACH element must be represented each and every day.  Some days, you may need more emotional support then others, and other days you may need to be reminded of your self-worth.  Some days, your need to talk is less than other days, but the need is still there to fulfill.  Your life changes every day with each decision you make and each action you take.  Based on these decisions and actions, your Family Pie elements may, and should, shift. 

Remember that these elements are not only what you give or share, but also what you take or receive in return.  You personally may not need a great deal of emotional support, but that may not be true for your significant other.  Learning and understanding these elements are only a part of what makes this tool successful; how you apply the tool is of equal importance.  As the saying goes, more often than not, it is not only what you say but how you say it.  The same logic applies to The Family Pie: it is not only knowing the eight elements, but understanding how and when to use them.  If you want to make a difference in your life, it has to start with you. 

The Family Pie can only be successful if each element is represented.  Everyone has their own pie and everyone’s needs are different.  Each section of the pie must have something in it, and be customized to that particular person, or the pie will be off balance.  Think of the pie spinning on an axis.  If all of the pieces or elements within the pie are represented, then it will continue to spin with balance.  If you start to eliminate pieces of the pie, then it will become unbalanced and spin out of control.  Once the pie degenerates into a pattern of spinning out of control, it takes a great deal of time and energy to replace or rebuild pieces of the pie while it is in motion.  This is a messy and confusing situation to be in, but one that can be corrected once your pie is reestablished and you start refilling your sections. Your life continues to spin, without pause.  In this roller coaster of life, there are ups and downs, and even times when you feel as if you are being turned upside down; but with this tool, this simple tool, you can help control these twists and turns and be better prepared for the next loop.