Once you have your Family Pie in place, it is rather easy to keep in in place.  The big question is where to start?  When you begin a relationship and have The Family Pie from the beginning, the relationship already has a solid foundation.  But what about a relationship that is in its second, fifth or tenth year?  Easy.  You have to start somewhere, and anytime you start, it is a new beginning. 

Begin with both parties having a copy of The Family Pie in front of them.  Read it.  Read The Eight Elements below and understand what each element is, what it consists of, and what it means to you.  Below I have discussed each element, but this is only a guide.  The best part about The Family Pie is the ability to customize it for your relationship.  Once you have both read what the eight elements are, each take a piece of blank paper and write out the eight elements, leaving room in between.  Now, under each element, create two columns: Have and Need (or alternatively, utilize the My Eight Elements Worksheet provided). 

Without discussing with your partner, each of you write what you think you have in your relationship and what you think you are missing (under Have and Need columns).  Under each of these columns, write a few words for each element.  Do not simply mark “yes or no”, get detailed.  For example, under Communication, if you Have this element, list “good, fair, strong, deep, family, kids”, etc.  If you Need this element, list things like, “need deeper, more profound, work”, or items that you want to communicate about that you currently do not.  The point of this exercise is to help drive the relationship and allow you to focus on areas that you each may be missing.  Give as much detail as possible, and be specific so that your partner can get a better understanding of what you are looking for.  This will also allow you to let your partner know what they are doing well.  Often times we criticize for what we are not getting, yet rarely praise for what we are getting; this exercise will provide both.  Finally, as I mentioned above, the listing of the elements is merely a guide, so you should customize your list as to what you think Communication is, or what Intimacy or Trust is to you.  In the space to the right of each element, write a few words on what you think it means. 

Optional:  You may also rank your elements in order of importance.  You will see a column to the right for this option if you so choose.  This is not mandatory, but will allow you and your partner to see how important each of the elements is to you. 

You are now ready to put the Family Pie into practice.  You have just created your foundation, your base in the relationship that you can now build on.  In most situations, one partner cannot tell you what the other person needs, wants, or is currently getting out of the relationship.  This takes the guess work out of it; you now have it right in front of you.  Read your lists to each other and see what you learn.  This is not meant to call others out on their short-comings, or to boast about what you are giving; rather, this is a way to better understand where your relationship is and where you want it to go.  You can now begin to build or fill in the pieces of your own pie, and see what is missing in your relationship and what is flourishing.